The Worst Kind of Advertising
A lot of advertisers have become sophisticated in brainwashing people into making poorly researched decisions. They deploy complicated strategies such as branding to build illogical loyalties, product placement to enforce faulty and often subconscious associations, and storytelling (that is unrelated to the nature of the product in question) in order to encourage premature and emotional conclusions. But whether or not they have gotten good at it, the majority of ads that I have heard on the radio or seen on TV follow some version of the disgusting format below.
1) Make them feel bad, like they are missing something.
Method A - Start your ad with a suggestively worded question.
a. Need a car and can't put money down?
b. Depressed?
c. Need cash?
d. Have you been down to check out the amazing sale at The Shoe Depot yet?
e. Do you want to make her scream for more every time and worship you 24/7? (SPAM)Method B - Depict a loser.
a. He's hairless and looks in the mirror. Then he looks down, frowns, and scratches his pathetic hairless scalp.
b. She's a wreck. She looks so frazzled. That big pimple just glares up at her. She's unable to smile.
c. He's pudgy, clueless, puzzled by life. The world seems to be getting the better of him. Things pass by him. He needs something, but what?
d. She's "not fresh," you know, "down there." I will not expound.
e. He holds the hose but it turns downward. Poor old Bob's wife won't talk to him. His neighbors think he's an asshole.Method C - Paint a picture of a glorious world that they don't live in.
a. The business runs flawlessly. One Asian, one Indian, one White, one Black, and one Hispanic person work side by side in a tastefully decorated corporate office while wearing perfect suits and determined faces. Precisely one of them is a woman. Upbeat piano jazz plays while the announcer asks you if your business looks like this highly successful (though un-named) one.
b. She's perfect. You cannot tell her age, just that she's perfect. Not one blemish. No insecurity. There's bouncy and upbeat music playing in the background. She smiles and dances while her hair responds to an industrial strength fan just off camera.
c. Open on the product. Split the product magically apart and zoom in to find a fantasy land of bunnies, butterflies, dolphins, cats, or dogs merrily hopping around in perfect harmony while (for some not yet clear reason) the voice-over guy starts describing the way it feels to be unusually joyful.
d. He gets on the elevator and she's all over his crotch. Damn, he just smells so good! That deodorant makes her so horny, she wants to stop the elevator and do things she's never done before.
e. He's drunk but stupendously happy. Women are mysteriously drawn to him. He's the funniest guy in the room. He's endlessly confident. He's the exact opposite of what people really do when drunk: sit around and bitch about what they don't have, what the opposite sex has done to them, what's wrong with their job or family, etc., never concluding any topic before switching to another thing that pisses them off.2) Suggest a way to fill the void.
Method A - Answer the question with your product. You have what they need. "Set 'em up. Knock 'em down."
Method B - Depict a winner who uses your product. "The choice is yours."
Method C - Leave them with a sense that it's up to them to take charge and make their lives glorious like the fictional characters who have been enhanced to beyond-normal appearances and placed in unrealistic situations. All the while, you must be hinting strongly that the key to this transition into fantasyland is a pair of jeans, a drink, a new moisturizer, or whatever idiocy you're selling.
If you have succeeded, it's up to the viewers to either buy your product or else deal with the hole you've just carved in their heads. Congratulations. You have made a mediocre ad that will annoy everyone that views it.
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© 2006 FussyPucker.