Nudism is bullshit.

Shame - It Does A Body Good

Clothing helps to cover the filth
The imperfections we carry from birth
The pettiness, jealousy, lust, and greed
Clothing helps contain the need

The liberal drooping prancing beachbodies
With caution and clothing thrown to the wind
Have no more belief in things like sin
And no concern for the eyes they're in
While they run and dance, flop and sag
Strut and chuckle, smile and brag
Carrying only a strange delusion
The belief that they are no intrusion

They are free, they say, happy and gay
Now that they've cast their shame away
They say
If only we all could be so free
So receptive and full of glee
Then wouldn't we have just what we need?

No.

No
I've got parts I don't want you to see
How I dot my is cross my ts
That's my secret, and I believe
That no matter how hard you try
You'll fail to sufficiently reply
When your kids are standing at your thigh
Looking desperately for your eyes
And begging you to tell them:
"Why?"

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Nudists piss me off. I don't trust them. I don't like them. They're always naked. What the fuck is up with that?

Do you know how many reasons, besides ugliness, there are for clothing? There are quite a lot of them. I'm a big fan of warmth, for one. Do you know how much more energy-efficient wearing clothes is than paying to heat your house to the point where you can walk around bare-assed? And do you know what else is cool? Pockets. Where else are you going to put things without them? What would you have me do: carry around one of those little Euro man-purses? I'll just stick to pants, thank you very much.

Ever try running naked? Or playing sports? Well, me neither. Because clothes kick ass, and exercising without them would be so stupid it's not even worth discussing. (Sex being the obvious exception. And maybe swimming.)

Besides, it's a well-known fact that shame is life affirming. It's what keeps you from asking annoying questions, making stupid faces, peeing in the street, or telling people you meet in LA what you really think of their acting talents. Too much shame may be bad, but a little shame can do a lot of good.

So if you have a nudist in your life, perhaps you could do us all a favor and drop him/her a line? It could be an email, a letter, or even just a postcard. Here's a simple template you could follow.

Dear Nudist,

Please rediscover at least one, and preferably both, of the following two things:

1. Shame.

2. Diet & exercise.

That is all I have to say to you.

Many Thanks,
Your Clothed Anonymous Friend

Damn, I'm glad my parents at least had the sense to put some fucking clothes on.