Things People Say That Should Earn Them a Kick to the Throat

A George Carlin Tribute

A great man passed away this weekend, and I believe--if he's anywhere--he's where he wants to be smiling up at us and not saddened or hoping for us to mourn him. So instead of expressing regret, I'd like to try to emulate his greatness today. I'm going to share some phrases that people say which very nearly bring me to the point of shooting myself square in the face with a shotgun. In George's honor and, to the best of my ability, with his voice...

I can't stand when someone says they   "...slept like a baby."

Like a baby? Is that right? As I recall, babies wake up several times in the middle of the night, crying, probably unhappy to be in this cold world, helplessly forced into torturing their parents to stay up most of the night to take care of them, whining incomprehensibly about how they need a hug or milk or just to suck on a teat. And I can understand lying in bed at night wanting to suck a teat--it happens, I know--but I can't understand any adult who sleeps like a baby in any other way. Usually what these people mean is "slept well." But that isn't what they fuckin' say, is it? No, they say "slept like a baby," not because they slept soundly but because they think with all the ingenuity of a newly born child who doesn't know any words yet.

Another one:

"Alls I know is..."

That's a curious way to claim to have knowledge, isn't it? Pluralizing the goddamned word "all"? HOW THE FUCK DO THEY MANAGE TO PLURALIZE "ALL"? That's a walking talking failure of the public education system if I ever saw one. If you hear that phrase tacked on before a statement, it really serves as an ominous warning about who the source of the upcoming information is. It raises up the old bullshit meter, doesn't it? It says, Get ready to dismiss whatever is coming. Prepare yourself for an extreme level of idiotic that is alls he knows. Fucking kick him in the throat! Let's not let him shit in our ears even once more.

Another set of assholes? The people who say,

"Same difference."

Gee, are there two differences being compared here? Because I could have sworn there was only 
one. Now, you've heard it enough, so I say I'll let you off with a warning the first time. But then, that's it. Anyone who says this is getting their neck thoroughly foot-fucked, by me. I BELIEVE YOU MEAN "SAME THING." Four minus two and five minus three have the "same difference." For everything else, kindly shut the fuck up before it's shut for you. We're gonna have rules for people like you. We're not gonna fine you; we're not gonna put you in jail; that's too much work, too much tax money you're not worth. But we're gonna make you pay, rest assured, for saying things as stupid as "same difference."

Here's one that's kind of a pet peeve of mine. I really can't stand it, so kick to the throat on the first offense for anyone who says,

"Idear" instead of "idea."

For the love of your fictional fuckin' God, where the hell did the R sound come from? How fucking random is the inclusion of an R in that word? It's flabbergasting that anyone who does this has the coordination to open their mouth and speak deliberate words with inclinations toward things like throwing in random R sounds. And this isn't the Japanese problem of distinguishing between L and R sounds--as hilarious a problem as that can be for my kind Japanese friends who are forced to say they "rike cock" when they want to express a favorable opinion of the Coca Cola soft drink. No no, this is something white people do, and I don't know why they do it. Perhaps tossing in an R sound is somehow related to a love of pirates, I can't say. I can only assume it's really a secret yearning for a hard, fast delivery of my foot to their throats.

Another curious one people toss around like it makes sense:

"Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger..."

FALSE, FUCKO. That's a nice excuse that can be applied to any of a million failures. Unfortunately it's one hundred percent unadulterated bullshit! That crack addiction that made you attack your loved ones, sell things that weren't yours, and suck dick under the twenty ninth street bridge--didn't make you stronger. If you'd fully recovered, it might have. But after a point, there's no coming back. This "whatever doesn't kill me" line is left over from the days they used to fucking bleed people to try to treat their illnesses. Your immune system does need germs to stay tough, but that doesn't mean you should give yourself a lobotomy to improve your brain function. Some things don't make you stronger. I know you'd like to think there was something gained by those years you spent whoring yourself out to that soulless corporation, but there wasn't. They were eating your fucking soul, they'd have finished if you let them, and you're weaker for every little bit they took! Don't repeat this line within twenty feet of me, or else--yeah, you guessed it--I will kick you in the fucking throat.

And don't say this either:

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

No, pain is comfort leaving the body. Just shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut. The fuck. Up.

 R.I.P.

© 2008 FussyPucker.

farewell@fussypucker.com