What A Cute Little Doggy...
Do you find yourself feeling that no one can understand you
like your dog? Is his company better than that of any human being? Do you think
your pet deserves the bestest this world can offer?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions or have ever used the
"word" bestest not intending
to invoke laughter, then there's a fair chance that I hate you and that you are
a deeply evil person.
I just checked Exploding
Cigar (whose headlines I enjoy perusing), and found out that somewhere in
Boston exists a prep school for dogs. Yes, that's right...and people pay $30 a
day for this. Because dogs are so smart. So civilized. So peaceful. And because
some have uncommonly stupid owners.
I can hardly believe it when I see people walking down the street with their
dog's head poking out from inside a handbag. Not like they could just leave the
thing at home. It's an equal member of the family. How could they do that to
[obnoxious dog name here]? No, the dog must go everywhere: the mall, the
workplace, nice restaurants, the doctor's office. There is no inappropriate
place.
And top quality dog food is a must, because dogs can really tell the difference.
It's not like they would eat cat vomit if that was what was served. Oh, wait,
yeah they would. Some dogs love licking up vomit. But at this school they
receive "special diets" because some are "prone to
bloating." They get served only bottled water. Bottled water? Most PEOPLE I
know can't even taste the difference. They get "ice cream breaks!" WTF
is that? No school ever stopped everything to serve any of us daily ice cream.
And we're people, the kind that can taste the difference between ice cream and
vomit.
They're "thinking of installing an indoor pool." Now that's it. That's
crossing the line. "What line?" you ask. The one that raises the
standard of living of a dog higher than my own. I have a few things to say to
these intolerably selfish elitists.
It's just not cool. The whole thing's pretty offensive really. There are
homeless people starving in the street and you shitbags are spending this kind
of money on your dogs? WHY? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Let me start off by stating the obvious: you don't do this for your dog's sake.
Your dog cannot tell the difference beyond the fact that one response makes you
happy and another does not. That's all dogs get. Despite your elaborate
fantasies about how smart your dog is, your dog is a beast. It can be trained to
do all sorts of things, but those abilities do not approach what even a very
stupid human being can accomplish.
Ironically, you do this for your own sake, so that you feel better about yourself by taking care of a lesser creature. One who will never criticize you, or outgrow you or surpass you in any way, and who will always be dependant upon you.
Now normal people with pets do this too, except that they just want companions. Their priorities make some degree of sense. They don't spend $30 a day in tuition so they can entertain their freakish little narcissistic minds with the notion of how great their dog is compared to other dogs who are being trained to be less like dogs and more like their incredibly annoying owners.
Remove your head from your ass for a minute and think about
the message you're sending to the world. Every day, 25,000 people die because
you and people like you consider it more important that dogs live in luxury than
that humans get to eat and live and perhaps receive an education some day.
They hump people. They shed. They smell awful. They bark day and night. They
bring ticks and fleas into homes. They destroy furniture. As if that weren't
enough, they bite
people. Five million people are bitten by dogs every year in the US alone.
The cost to treat these wounds includes $345 million paid by insurance each year
(tax money!). 15-20 people die from the bites. Yet some obnoxious owners pamper
their beasts like demigods.
When people prioritize their lives this way, they embarrass all of us with their
stupidity, and (just as importantly) they also piss me off royally. Less for the
dogs and more for the owners... I will need a cane and soon.
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© 2006 FussyPucker.