I am being SPAMMED by a genius.

 
Wow.

The title is a single word designed to spark your interest: Nodulation. Behold it, for it is succinct. Who amongst your friends sends you such fascinating email titles? No one, that's who. Because your friends don't know the word nodulation, and neither do you. So you open the message.

Truly a magnificent artist of prose, he begins by hooking you in with the phrase, "Terrible to kill anyone." Splendiferous! A poignant insight, and a beautiful commentary to receive in one's inbox.

He then follows this opening with a tapestry of rhythmic subtleties that pierce your brain with complexity in a description of murder, a description of which it would be unworthily generous to use the word gibberish. It is more of a gobbledygook. Indeed, your eyes jump from fragment to fragment expecting that soon it will develop into a whole, but, no! There is no whole! Only a mystery! And in this case, a murder mystery. And, lo, he finishes by telling you, "Yes, there is a warrant out for my arrest."

Who was murdered? Well, let's just say it was "the kind of person who a table and said brightly..." If you catch my drift. And if you want to know more, you just have to click the link.

Now some might read this and think the message was sent by a person who is clinically insane, but I see a pattern. I see the pattern, because I have received over a hundred of these messages in the past two days. (I have received six more, and still going strong, since I started writing this.)

The one-word title often goes beyond the active vocabulary of a college student like myself with words like leviratic (the sometimes compulsory marriage of a widow to a brother of her deceased husband*), sulfonylurea (any of several hypoglycemic compounds related to the sulfonamides and used in the oral treatment of diabetes*), or spirochete (any of the order Spirochaetales of slender spirally undulating bacteria including those causing syphilis and Lyme disease*). This makes opening my email into a learning experience! It also enriches the vocabulary I can use to turn SPAM into SPAM poetry. In the following, any words used that were not in my email box are in parentheses.

*Definitions provided by m-w.com.

re:[ ]

check this out
my new found housewives
you’ll like this

the letter with intense anxiety and trepidation
resounding, refuging, rearranging
(had) no eccentricities of speech

cliquishly mesopelagic
the general had been invited
(be careful that you)
don't get left behind

read this ASAP:
write back soon
you have new mail from Ekaterina, 25 y.o., Russia. dating
great XXX (means) dont be without the -best-
(you'll be able to afford it because)
there's nothing like a hot penny stock
(just) beware of fake pills (and)
coka-cola-ro|ex
(and be sure to bring)
your cash, non-Islamic
this thing can slow down your aging

(life isn't cake for a spammer like me)
i have two friends (but)
yes there is a warrant out for my arrest

Thank you, kind spammers. (And in case you're unfamiliar with this practice, you can find more at spam-poetry.com, spampoetry.org, or satire wire.) 

At my old job, I used to get a lot of SPAM. We had filters, but in the end it was necessary to periodically change our email addresses. In about 15 years on the Internet, I've been through several personal email addresses as well. For one week last year, I forwarded all of my SPAM to one address and then compiled the message subjects. Then I tried to sort out what the authors were going for. Those results are on this page.

I am now, except for the email I get on this site, SPAM-free. I have Google to thank for fixing my personal SPAM problems. Yahoo Mail sucks. I get hundreds of pieces of SPAM every week on Yahoo, but I don't even use it. (I've never even given out that email address; it just came with registering for Yahoo Games.) Hotmail sucks too. I've had a Hotmail account for at least ten years which I still give out whenever I need to order something, join a website, or register a piece of software. And that email box gets (in addition to newsletters) about five pieces of SPAM a day, and it used to be a lot more. On Gmail, on the other hand, I've gotten no more than ten pieces of SPAM in over three years.

I had for a while been accustomed to a world without any SPAM...until this guy brought it all back. But it's actually kind of nice to be getting SPAM again. And I'm really glad that I chose to host this site on a discount server in Bulgaria. (Pretty soon I'll be pulling my hair out and eating it.) But, for now, I feel all right when I check my email and...Whoahoho, I just got another! Phlebotomy! What a title! It's so tempting to open it, because it could be about anything at all! And another: Ogbomosho! How did this guy know my favorite city in Nigeria? And one more: Shortened! Just what does that mean in the context of no other words? It would take a genius to say. Everyone else will just have to open the email. And if the email itself doesn't explain it, there's always a link to click. Booobbs!!!