HOW TO MEET WOMEN
A Special Day-After-Valentine's Day
Tutorial
You see them all around you. You may even be one. Either way, you've come to the right place as I'm about to share secrets known only to a select few in the dating world. These secrets will help men to meet women, and will help women identify men who are trying to trick them into thinking they're capable of having a conversation with an attractive girl without following a checklist like a creepy bastard.
I'm not going to tell you about the techniques of the guys who call themselves PUAs, the guys you watched on The Pickup Artist on VH1 or when you downloaded the episodes using a bit torrent client and a mininova search. You've probably already read or heard of The Game by Neil Strauss. And you've surely watched and may remember the scene in the movie, Magnolia, where Tom Cruise portrays Ross Jeffries and announces in a seminar packed with desperate men that they must "Respect...the cock!" (Yes, that character was based on a real guy, and he runs the website www.speedseduction.biz -- note the prestigious .biz domain name.) I'm not going to tell you about the "start out as friends approach" either. I won't tell you to go watch The Tao of Steve, and I'm definitely not going to give you a link to download the film.
No, you already know all that. The following is different: a unique set of styles crafted by men from all over the world, men who live in their parents' basements and eat a steady diet of whatever the hell mom is cooking. It's not the "ask for an email instead of a phone number" approach. It's not the one-liner. It's nothing obvious, and it's nothing you've heard before. It's the stuff that is truly, deeply counterintuitive. Without further ado...
Start by seeking her approval.
Every woman loves a man who worships her immediately and only wishes her to confirm that he is worthy. It sends that timeless romantic message: "You are better than I am." Who wouldn't want to hear that from a complete stranger? And what better way could one display that he's worth talking to than by bending down and kissing a girl's feet?
Use dirty language.
That shit impresses the fucking pants off women. They love it when a dude indicates his active vocabulary is 90% unacceptable to say on television. They can hardly stand up, it gets them so hot. Their knees just give way to that forceful irreverence. Damn, you're just such a fucking wild man, you can't be tamed. You just say what you want, don't you cowboy? Yeah, they love that.
Understand the balance between physicality and talkativeness.
The larger the physical build, the stronger the man -- the more he has to talk to impress the girl. Scrawny guys with skin conditions don't have to say much. They just give a little eye contact, a smile, maybe a wink or two, and they're in. Women basically lift their dresses off and back the ass right up, it's that effective.
But if you're a big muscular type, you won't be able to pull off that silent charm thing. You're going to have to use your personality a lot more. Which is where the next step comes in...
Demonstrate what Napoleon Dynamite calls "skills."
Girls like guys with skills, like chess-playing skills, Rubik's cube-solving skills, and computer-hacking skills. Other cool hobbies to share with her include comic book-reading, cross-dressing, and anything related to legos or monster trucks. If she doesn't respond right away when you bring this stuff up, just keep going. She's probably playing hard-to-get.
Criticize, condemn, complain.
This is less about what women like, and more about what humans like. When you meet someone who is passionate about what they do, don't they annoy the piss out of you? When life is treating them really well and they talk about things that make them "happy" and "satisfied," wouldn't you prefer they just puke in your face instead? Exactly. So act accordingly.
If you want to be attractive, spend a fair amount of your time talking about things that are awful and loathsome to you: medical conditions you have or may soon have due to your family history, politics and religions you disagree with, anything you truly can go off about. This way, you look better by comparison. You build yourself up, and you insult everything else. Don't worry. You won't just be "the unpleasant guy who wouldn't shut up about how much he seemed to hate EVERYTHING."
Show her you have low standards in relationships, and will settle for anything.
After you describe everything you hate, be sure to explain that the one exception you make is where you put your penis. Your requirement: it must be living, and preferably moist. If that doesn't magnetize you and attract her, nothing will. After you explain how nothing satisfies you and nothing excites you and everything is lower than you, explain how she or really any other woman is easily good enough for you, short term, long term, or even just that night. Nothing spells value like desperation. That's the secret sauce, right there.
Don't play games, and always supply direct answers.
Honesty and brevity are incredibly important. If she asks you a question, don't bullshit or toy around. Never make her work for an answer. Instead, try to answer her with as few words as possible. If she wants to make a bet, tell her you don't gamble. If she wants to play footsie, kick her. And, finally, if she intimidates you, show it.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you a sixth-degree pickup black belt guru genius times infinity plus one. Go forth, multiply. Oh, and if you really want to speed things up, give her a flash of chest hair and some cheap cologne too.
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