Scattered Ramblings About Love

About one year ago today, I went through a painful breakup. I'd been in a relationship for three years. It wasn't perfect, and Valentine's Day more or less pushed it over the cliff. Below, I share some thoughts I wrote down in the months after the experience.

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It seems better to think her dead
Rather than alive and not in love with me

Is it murder to kill such a memory?

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Some things exist outside of time. In the moment you experience them, they feel bigger than time itself. In a moment that you recall that feeling, it's as if it never went away. Love is one of these feelings. Even one moment of it and you feel that it has covered everything that there is or ever was. It is boundless. And yet we are creatures bound by time. We move through time independently of our loved ones. We go to school. We go to work. We walk alone. Sometimes, we bleed alone. And so, too, do our loved ones. And should the scattered forces of life force us apart, then what is left of what was?

A memory which seems to extend everywhere, yet somehow does not even reach the current moment enough to cheer us up.

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I wanted for so long to call and ask you to tell me you didn't love me anymore.

But I couldn't do it.
Then you did it.
And I wished
You hadn't, because
For better or worse your memories are there
Lingering.

When I go to bed, you are there. When I wake up, you are there. When I shower, you are there.

I have usually managed to clear my mind by the time I get to work. Not always. Not today.

And I can still feel your lips, and I miss them so.

But, every now and again, I also have the slight desire to make a small incision in your chest and pull your heart out and feed it to you.

Baby.

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I know what I want in a woman:

I want a woman who farts, whose gas is delivered like fine art
I want a woman who laughs at dumb jokes, who's amused by the rambling of silly blokes
I want a woman who writes what she feels, says what she thinks, and sings shit that makes no sense
I want a woman with five pairs of shoes, who knows that vanity is a fight she'll one day lose
I want a woman with nerve, who'll stand up to authority and throw them a curve
I want a woman who knows when to steal, who's unconcerned how unkind people feel
I want a woman with...

Y' know, all the shit from that Cake song, "Short Skirt Long Jacket."

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I'd been doing a lot of thinking about love. Then I ran across this.

Now I realize I still don't really know what I want. I'm just getting a better idea of what I don't want.

If you think you know exactly what you're looking for, you will likely find something like it sooner or later. Then you will find out that you didn't really know what you wanted. And you'll be back where you started. A scientific judgment must account for and explain ALL data, but there is just not enough time in a human lifetime to collect ALL the data on many things. That's not to say a sensible judgment isn't possible, just that in matters of love (as in so many things) perfection is likely not possible.

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Today, I am posting two new songs for Valentine's day. They're called Problem and Gotta, respectively. Check 'em out on the songs page.

This post convinced a lot of people that I'm gay.

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fuckvalentine@fussypucker.com