The above sign can be found in my local 99-cents store. It flashes. The words are surrounded by ugly plastic flowers and tacky easy-break plates. What is below the sign though, is the really telling part.
Mmmm....yummy...Chemical Crackers and years-old snap peas soaked in vinegar and salt. Those are some great gourmet treats, but it still doesn't quite feel like a meal...
Mmmm...there ya go. Add a little fancy SPAM and you got yourself a deluxe treat to satisfy a king. Good thing I decided to stop in at my local $0.99 store, otherwise I wouldn't have had the chance to eat food that's so delicious and gourmet.
Gourmet foods usually fall into one of the following categories: overpriced meals, inedible animals, or old crap soaked in salt and vinegar.
Dear Everyone,
Stop trying to get me to try disgusting "food" by claiming it's gourmet. Terming something "gourmet" lets me know more about the person saying it than about the food, because (as you can see above) anything can be called gourmet. Likewise, calling something a "delicacy" from some country where they eat twice a week is an instant indicator to me that it will be bad. I don't care what is considered a "cherished part of the diet" in some country where they still wipe their ass with one hand and eat with the other.
Snails are not food. Cats and dogs are not food. Squirrels, mice, and rats are not food. Snakes, alligators, and octopi are not food. I tried shrimp. I tried crabs. I tried oysters. I didn't like them. Stop trying to serve me food out of the ocean, unless it's fish. And, if you serve me fish, you had better say which fish. If not, I will not eat it. I will not eat Filet-O-Fish, Fish-N-Chips, Fish Sticks, or anything that suggests all you did was grind up the cheapest fish on the market.
You say mushrooms, I say fungus. Either way, please don't put it in my food. You can claim it's healthy all you want. It makes me want to vomit, therefore it's not healthy.
And, lastly, stop saying, "How do you know if you don't try it?" I tried something like it and it sucked. How do you know you don't like burning yourself? Or crashing your car? Or landing on your head? Or butt sex with elephants?
And don't complain if I wear a bib. I need it. I'm sloppy.
Respects,
danZbar
Gourmet SPAM ............................?
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© 2006 FussyPucker.
