Phil McGraw needs a good nubbin kick.

I Will Fight Dr. Phil.

You're probably thinking, "But Dan, Dr. Phil has a hundred pounds on you." Acknowledged and agreed: He is a big fat bastard, but I have a strategy. This is how I figure it will go down.

Oh man, check out my hilariously huge arms. Then I'd tie him down, and lecture him on how he needs to "get real." We'll see how he likes being treated like one of the teenagers I've seen him make cry on national TV.

Behavior Modification Therapy, my ass. Like a few minutes with Dr. Phil is going to make a profound change in anyone's life. Please. If anything, people leave that show scarred from the abuse of opening up in public and then being confronted and attacked by a big fat moron.

And tell me, how is it that a guy who weighs that much can have an entire product line of "weight loss solutions?" Why would anyone take that seriously? I never understood when Oprah did weight topics either. Nobody's weight fluctuates more than Oprah's.

Just how fat is Dr. Phil? He's 6'4" and 235lbs. That places his BMI (Body Mass Index) at 28.6, overweight and nearly obese. But I'm not saying he's a bad person because he's fat. I'm not a fattist, and I believe some people have extra weight for reasons that they cannot control or do not understand. He's a bad person, an asshole even, because he's a fat fattist and he's an abrasive one who makes people feel bad for something that he himself can barely control.

I am so sick of this guy and his guru bullshit. I'm sick of hearing his hillbilly voice. I'm sick of looking at his inbred face and his stupid-looking mustache, and hearing his confrontational advice and attempts to address problems that have been forming for years with a 5-minute TV-interview "wake up call" full of verbal assaults (often aimed at youths).

Perhaps your young daughter is living on the edge? She needs to "get real," and Dr. Phil is just the man to deliver this prophetic message. I have worked tirelessly for the last six minutes to try to understand the genius behind Dr. Phil. I even visited his website, and, I think with the proper diet and lack of exercise, I can do what he does. Just watch as I examine the topics of his upcoming shows, and present thoughtful insights as to how to solve each unique problem.

In love with two people? You need to get real. Torn about affair with a married man? Get real! Wedding's off, but you want the ring? Get real, sister! Wives: evidence hubby is cheating? Tell him to get lost or "get real!" Who'd I Marry? You'd better "get real!" Big family feud? Some family members need to get real. Explosive anger? That's not productive...Get real instead. Teen run away? Tell him or her to get real. Spouse wants to cheat on you? One or possibly both of you had really better get real. Disagree over a prenup? Y'all need to get real. Have an obese child? Get "real food." Want 2nd chance at dream? Get moving or get real. Ethical dilemma...what's right? It's always right to "get real!"

I bet you can do it too! In case you're looking for other words to use, you can always try such infinitely original thoughts as "shape up," or "be yourself." Nobody had ever thought of those before Dr. Phil brought them along! And if those don't work, you can always fish around for random rednickisms. I'm pretty sure more actual therapy was being dished out on the Jerry Springer show.

I hear these ads at work all the time: "Looking for one more reason to use Match.com? Dr. Phil..." And, each time I hear it, I can't help but think, What a gigantic crock of who-gives-a-shit. That Dr. Phil endorses any product is reason enough for me to never consider using it.

The fraud goes so much deeper. This guy's had over 700 episodes. It turns out that when you don't practice any quality control, you can pretty much say anything. It doesn't matter when you're in the afternoon slot aiming for the hopeless loser therapy-talk-show demographic. Just look at the titles of the shows. How many of them are about weight or relationships? It's plain to see why he has no right to present himself as a weight loss guru, but what about love? Is it possible that the man behind this overbearing TV character has mastered the art of the modern relationship?

No. No, of course not. Though he never mentions it on TV while acting like he has all the answers, Dr. Phil has been divorced. And his first wife accuses him of cheating on her as well as generally abusing her emotionally. Among other things, she says he required her to call him before leaving the house. He has yet to comment on any of this publicly, but if he treated her anything like the guests I've seen, they were lucky to have lasted the 2 years that they did.

He had a patient working in his office, an obviously inappropriate relationship. The girl called the relationship sexual and controlling, and filed a complaint with the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists in 1988. The board punished him with a public letter of reprimand, supervision under a licensed psychologist for one year, complete physical and psychological examinations, and an ethics class. About a year later, he closed his private practice.

These are not complaints that just any therapist has hanging over his head. But of course, there's more. Former employees have called him abusive, and there's a lot of speculation that he cheated people into contracts he knew he couldn't honor when he ran a health spa which went bankrupt in the early 80s. I don't doubt any of it.

Do you smell pigs yet? It's a whole family. This guy has an episode entitled, "Are You Raising a Spoiled Brat?" Meanwhile, he gave his teenage son a rather lucrative book deal which he never could have earned on his own (basically rewriting his dad's generic pop psychology). And according to the E! True Hollywood Story, "Dr. Phil and his father earned more than $1 million a year at one point by giving self-help seminars on success."

Self-help seminars are obviously just a way for crooked gurus to milk money out of lost souls. That's just what he is: a sleazy salesman who capitalizes on insecurity. He doesn't even hide it well. He's smug. He's pushy. He's the biggest hypocrite on TV.

I will kick him in the nuts.

Illustrated by Joel

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philznuts@fussypucker.com