Grumpy
& Dirty - The 2 Types of Old Men
Type
1: The Grumpy Old Man
It hurts him to move, or at least he says so every three and a half seconds. You
know what hurts almost as much as motion? Rest. But rest hurts less, so he'll
frequently insist upon it.
The grumpy man wants the world to be the way it was when he was still virile. He
somehow manages to think that it was the world that changed, but not him. He
finds time to tell you about the way it was, how far he used to walk each day,
and how you could stretch a dollar back when someone more honorable was in the
white house. He thinks his particular brand of racism and/or sexism is the
correct one and all should follow.
It's a wonder he got to be this old, because he doesn't seem to practice good
hygiene. He smells as sour as spoiled milk. He has food lodged in the corners of
his mouth and/or his beard. He smiles and you catch a glimpse of what -in
theory- gets called teeth.
This man hit a point where sex was mostly painful, and he either kept on
trucking (hating the world all the while) or stopped altogether (rejecting the
world as it's become). Although that pleasure is gone, he enjoys eating,
sleeping, being right, and writing letters to people/companies that offend his
not-so-modern sensibilities.
Type 2: The Dirty
Old Man
He's not dirty in terms of hygiene. In fact, he's likely to be a fair bit
cleaner than his grumpy friend. He washes himself...for flirting purposes. He is
dirty on the inside though. This is the old guy who checks out every other girl
who passes by: big, small, thin, fat, short, tall. He likes it all, and he has
something to say about it too.
His mind is as dirty as a horny 15-year-old boy. It probably hasn't changed much
since he was 15. If he went to college, his mind just got dirtier there. Any
knowledge he has of psychology, philosophy, drama, literature, or poetry is
probably primarily used for manipulating women. He's trendy (to the extent that
an old person can be). He's chipper. He's even smooth.
It catches you off-guard every time he starts to talk about broads, or babes, or
ladies, or whatever hilariously creepy word he uses. What's really amazing about
it is that a fair number of girls seem to (at least pretend to) enjoy him. When
you talk to them later, you find out that they think he's every bit as sleazy as
you do. At a loss, they remark, "He's old...what should I say?"
When the grumpy guys said goodbye to sex, many of these guys found technological
ways to extend their horndog lifestyles. Some of these guys just can't get
enough, except that they probably only have the ability to manage the physical
act once or twice a week. And I, for one, think it's a good thing, because
otherwise women would be dealing with some scary scary monsters. It's plenty
creepy when young guys are like this, but it's a whole new kind of creepy past
60.
That's it. Every old man I have ever met fits into one of these two categories
(with the occasional overlapping hybrid). If you think you know someone that
doesn't, you probably don't really know him.
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© 2006 FussyPucker.