Some people out there are skeptics. They're going to tell you that death comes to us all, that you will inevitably pass on someday. My advice? Don't listen to such Negative Nancies. They're just trying to hold you back from achieving your fullest potential, out of jealousy, out of envy. They don't understand the science, and they want to pull you down onto their level of ignorance. Listen: Live and let live, live and let die, just be sure to keep living. Here's how.
I have one word for you...preservatives, baby, preservatives. The secret that the government doesn't want you to know is that you're not getting enough salt, vinegar, and preservatives in your diet, otherwise you'd be living approximately for eternity. To get back on the road of infinite longevity, follow these three steps.
1: Make sure to get enough sodium. Most experts agree that Americans don't get enough salt in our diets. The problem is that we aren't consuming enough processed food, because, if we were, we'd surely have all the salt we need. And we obviously don't have that, because we are still dying all the time.
To ensure that you get enough salt, fill your shopping cart with an ample supply of meats, cheeses, breads, packaged cookies, crackers, and--especially--canned soups. The last one is very important. It's been estimated that Americans eat only a fraction of the sodium they need to live (forever), and nothing boosts the sodium intake like some good old-fashioned aluminum-cased freshness. Consider this fine example prepared and labeled under the Trader Joe's brand:
(Front)
(Back)
One can contains three servings of 37% of your required sodium. That makes 111% — not too shabby! But, hey, eating a whole can would be tough for anyone under the age of three. So don't force it.
It's also important to remember when looking at these figures that they are based on the old conservative estimates regarding sodium intake. These were made by observing how much sodium the average person needs in a day, and concluding that we ought to consume that much. Not a bad method if you want to die before eternity is up. To live indefinitely, we're going to need to extend the sodium recommendation from 2,400mg to about 42,000mg daily. About.
2: Let's get acquainted with vinegar. I want you to drink it for breakfast, and then again before bed. How much? As much as you can handle, you pansy. Vinegar will keep your insides in good shape, just the way it does for cucumbers.
(Shoes optional.)
And just as with pickles, we've got to get into the stuff a little more than we could by drinking it. We've got to swim in it. If you want to live forever, this isn't much to ask. You might be thinking: isn't that going to burn? Only if you're a pansy that wants to embrace death. Otherwise, vinegar will keep you in good shape and good spirits.
3:
Get
a good variety of preservatives. Nowadays, they make a wide array of
chemicals that will keep you from rotting. Some of you may have seen the bonus
footage on the Supersize Me DVD in which Morgan Spurlock places food from a
local restaurant and food from McDonald's inside separate jars and then observes
as the contents break down into mold. The McDonald's burger lasts for longer than he's willing to wait (i.e.
"forever"). Surely, all the same principles apply once the food is in your body.
This means that with some of these preservatives, you can get more than ten times
the amount of energy out of food than would otherwise be available!
Old technology is fading away, and I have every reason to believe that death is becoming a choice that this generation or the next will get to make for themselves. All the tools are here with us already. We've just got to adjust the way we're looking at the problem. If you follow the steps above, you will master the art of being not-dead like no one else has ever done it before.*
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© 2007 FussyPucker.
*No one else has ever done it before. Regimen may cause onset of sudden death and/or violent disease.